I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
