you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
