He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
