the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The ass gains better be worth it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
