her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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