I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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