Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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