It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
