Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
