i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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