Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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