I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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