i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
PANTIES FOUND
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