I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
