drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
