dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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