Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
