You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
