I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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