Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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