if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
