chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
