and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
