there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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