you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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