I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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