He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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