guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
