Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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