I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
