best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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