Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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