if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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