Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
