Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
