So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
