They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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