can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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