He told me they were just razor bumps!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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