I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
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