I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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