Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
