can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
