I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
