She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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