If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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