I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
