Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
