Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
