I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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