Can i not drive my cunt home
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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