Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
