Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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