Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
