Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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