when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
