I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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