just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
