I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
