i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Found the puke drawer
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
