I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
