I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
